thankful

am thankful for family
for health
for life

this year has been quite a doozy. looking out at the start of the year I would have never imagined what 2009 would bring. the happy news of a little one growing inside of me. the not so happy news that my husband had been hit by a car while riding his bike to work, leaving him with a broken neck + back. a very uneventful pregnancy ending in a long, hard labor, that left extensive nerve damage in its wake. who would have thought both pete and I would have had to go to the same spine clinic in the same year? like I said, it's been a doozy.

but it's been a great year. pete is still here with me. little miles pj entered the scene. we've been through a lot, but I think we've learned a lot. we've felt so much love and concern for our small little family. we are happy + healthy + recovering. we truly are blessed.

a long time coming: the miles peter story

hello, my name is miles peter

{but you can call me pj}

it's funny when you tell yourself something for a long time, you begin to believe it. I told myself that pj would come no earlier than his due date {today} if not after. I wanted to prepare myself mentally for that since it happens so commonly in first-time pregnancies. pete, apparently, believed otherwise and knew this kid was coming early.

when my water broke last thursday evening I was in a small state of panic. this couldn't be happening now. it was at least a week too early. all my projects weren't finished. mentally I wasn't ready. I hate to say it, but I was slightly freaking out. {and after months of preparing for a calm, gentle birth experience through hypnobirthing, this didn't seem like the right thing to be doing.}

since the midwife I talked to wasn't convinced it was my water that had broken, we waited it out until friday morning to finally go to the hospital. it was pretty apparent that baby wasn't just sitting on my bladder funny for 15 hours. I was not peeing my pants here.

since it had been so long since I had ruptured the midwife really wanted to get things started. pitocin was definitely not on my list of things I wanted during my birth: drugs to induce me, harder labor contractions, et cetera. not what I wanted. but after four hours of trying to get things going naturally and no real results, I was hooked up to the machine and they started the pitocin drip. which, by the way, meant continual monitoring for both me + baby. not what I wanted either.

I labored naturally for 20 hours on the pitocin. I had some serious back labor, meaning all my contractions were felt in my lower back, not uterus. it was hard, it was intense, and for all of you doubtful of the whole "no pain, just pressure" mantra so commonly used by hypnobirthing mammas I'm hear to tell you that it's true -- well, it's all in your perspective of pain. I will tell you one thing, without hypnobirthing there is no way I could have done it for so long without getting some sort of relief. I was having the calm and gentle birth I had envisioned, even if it wasn't the way I had envisioned it. I was strong. I felt empowered. I was a women doing what millions of other women had done before me: I was birthing my baby. it really is an amazing process. I encourage any woman who is considering going the natural route to look into hypnobirthing {don't let the hokey sounding name scare you off -- all it really is is teaching yourself to go in and out of a deep state of relaxation when you want to. of releasing the fear of childbirth and realizing the power of the body; it was made to birth and the baby's body was made to be birthed. really, you are working together.} because I am such a firm believer in it now. the breathing techniques and the affirmations are what helped me through. I can't say enough about it.

by early friday morning I was dilated to a 9. almost there. it could be any minute. a few hours later I was still only dilated to a 9. that's when the bomb was dropped on me: we will have to up the pitocin considerably and it might take 4 - 5 hours to get your body where it needs to be. during this time pj had apparently been sitting on some sort of nerve and my whole right leg hurt terribly and my right foot had started to go numb. there was no way I could keep this up after 20 hours under these conditions, especially with higher dosages of pitcocin running through me. I needed relief. I needed to rest. I chose to get an epidural.

and yes, the epidural was nice. I got to sleep. I was relieved of the intense back labor. I mean, after all, I still needed some strength left for pushing. after 20 hours, I was ok with the decision.

a few hours later I was finally dilated to a 10. okay, we can try pushing now. I'll tell you this, it was all a little anti-climactic. there we all were, after I had just taken a long nap, and I was told to push as everyone sat there looking at me. kind of awkward, really. but I started to do the whole pushing thing to bring little pj down the birth canal. which they let me do for five hours. five hours of pushing. they were strong enough to get him all the way down -- you could even see his head -- but then he wouldn't stay in that station, but slide back up. eventually they said something had to be done soon, so they tried the forceps. which didn't work either because even though I could push him down far enough, the docs couldn't get a good position on his head to make it safe enough to even attempt. last resort: c-section. again, the last thing that I wanted. ever. my birth was not going according to plan here. but I am ultimately ok with that: I feel that I did everything possible to get him here and he just wasn't cooperating. why wasn't he cooperating? well, his head was just in a funky position -- brow up, as they say. because of this it was hard to get my cervix to finish dilating and it was hard to get him through the birth canal. he was just stuck.

the c-section was the quick part in this whole process. they wheeled me in, cut me open, grabbed little pj, sewed me back up. pete got to watch the whole thing. at 11:56pm on saturday night, our sweet babe finally entered the world.

after he was out pete went over to look at him, he came rushing back to me and said he thinks it was a miles. it was so sweet. and so fitting; it took a lot to get this kid here.

I am now at home recovering after a full week spent in the hospital during this whole ordeal. I developed a little case of foot drop that will hopefully resolve itself on its own. otherwise I feel great under the circumstances. we have loved becoming our little family of three.

thank you one and all for your kind thoughts + actions. once again, we feel the love all around us.

miles peter | 8pounds 7ounces | 21 inches | 11:56 pm | saturday, september 19, 2009

defining moments

there are times in life when we make small decisions, little choices that at the time seem so insignificant and ordinary, but have the potential to put us on a new track and completely change the course of our life.

a long time ago I made a list of my defining moments in a notebook. it was left sitting, tucked away on a shelf. I found it this morning as I was cleaning out the craft room to make way for the nursery. it made me smile. a few of the the things I wrote really stuck out to me.

defining moments: what makes me, me?
born on a magic minute {3:33, good things always happen at 3:33}
learn from an early age the love of pushing a ball around in the grass
take a lit of the outdoors class - have it change my life without knowing it
out of the blue write an old friend from snow - have it change my life without knowing it
start the PRT program - Experiential Education
start running - have it change my life without knowing it
work in the field with kids, teaching about the outdoors
go through the same cycles - learn to trust my heart
find a cute boy - let love sneak up on my heart. . . have it change my life without knowing it

there was more on the list, but I think these things really did change my life without knowing it, as any defining moment should. I'm looking forward to the rest of the moments. I'm sure little pj will be a huge one, though I'm also pretty sure I know for a fact that he will change our life. and we couldn't be more excited for the adventure.

blessed.

thank you one and all for the kind words + support given to me and my small family over the past few days. peter and I have felt the love + and know that prayers have been answered on our behalf. we are so blessed.

every time I think of how things so easily could have turned out differently, I get emotional. every time I think of the blessings and the support of family + friends I get emotional. maybe it's all in the hormones.

but honestly, it is in moments of tragedy that you are reminded of the fragility and simpleness of life. how it can all be taken away at any moment. my heart aches for those who have gone through that. I was given a gift on tuesday morning: continued time with my husband here on this earth. how precious that is. I know he has been watched over on more than this occasion. for this I am grateful.

he is the lucky one. he will heal. it is his quiet strength and good attitude that have helped him this far. he is home. he can get around for the most part. this is not a chronic condition. he is lucky.

and we are blessed.

{for those not aware, my husband was hit by a car while riding his bike to work on tuesday morning. the person driving fled the scene and thankfully because of witnesses the paramedics were called in. he spent the next 36+ hours on spinal precaution in the hospital. he was released earlier than I ever expected possible from an accident such as this with a fractured skull and a compression fracture on his back. he is home now and confined to life in a neck brace + a back brace for a while, but his spirit is not confined. especially when the meds are kickin' in.}

proof positive: the tetris is true.

for all those who think my husband plays tetris all day at work, you may just be right. here is a little convo we had today via the internet:

me: yo

Peter: yo

me: there's like a billion kids for this fall break camp and I don't know if I want to deal with it

Peter: woah

a billion? that's like the entire country of china!

me: I know!

Peter: do you have enough counselors?

me: yeah, I guess technically we do...

so I really shouldn't be stressin'

Peter: so aspen digital doesn't have to take kids?

me: didn't I set up that field trip with you?

all one billion will be coming to your office to learn about the science behind the digitalizing

Peter: woah, i don't think we have that many nintendos

what have we been up to?

I've been seriously spoiled. first there was the european honeymoon extravaganza. then the first anniversary costa rica adventure. how could the second anniversary even compare?!

well, thank you peter for the best anniversary present ever: the new house.

I can't even imagine what next year will bring.

{more photos + stories to come}

twenty-nine

01. he loves cold + dark 02. his favorite season is obviously winter 03. he is a champion for the earth 04. and an advocate for all things efficient 05. he dances like no other 06. and is my guitar hero 07. his smile melts my heart 08. he tickles relentlessly 09. he is a creative genius 10. and a computer wizard 11. he gets a little carried away on the equality of food 12. he's a jeans + tshirt kinda guy 13. he is kind 14. compassionate 15. giving 16. he has an innate sense of direction 17. if I were stranded on a desert island I would want him by my side 18. if I were stranded anywhere I would want him by my side 19. he's creative in the kitchen 20. he has the wanderlust 21. he is spontaneous + crazy 22. in the game of scrabble, he is expert 23. he's on the swimteam 24. he gets high on elevation 25. he has an inner cowboy 26. he's cute when he's asleep 27. he hiccups randomly 28. he loves his jetta wagon tdi almost more than me 29. he knows the value of hard work, in any aspect of life

I live and breathe for this man.

special birthday surprises were had this weekend. unfortunately no surprise party, but a semi-surprise jaunt up to meet my bloggy friend, jen {she is a cute runner blogger and has a cute family blog as well!} and crash her peach days bbq and ride her horses. let me tell you one thing about pete. he loves horses. loves them. I had no idea until that fateful day in costa rica. his inner cowboy spilled out and he's been dying to get back on and ride ever since. they say he's a natural. it was a fun little adventure and I'm glad jen and her family were so willing to share it with us.

his birthday dinner was a special surprise as well. I cooked fish. yes, you heard me. I cooked fish. this is a first for me. remember? and it was surprisingly easy + delicious. I'm not so scared of cooking fish anymore. the meal was rounded out with some long grain and wild rice, roasted vegetables, and steamed cabbage. of course there was the traditional red velvet cake. what birthday is complete without that?

as always, click to enlarge | adapted from THIS recipe

this boy

this boy
wanted some brownies
so badly
he even resorted
to sneaking a bite
straight from the pan
in the oven.

the brownies that were
for the funeral.

the brownies that had
to be cut up instead
of being given in the pan to
the neighbor
because of an unsightly
baked-in hole.


this boy just really likes
his treats.

confessions spelled out on a double word and triple letter score

father/man's day

my dad is a pretty cool guy. he loves to travel; especially to places that don't exist, like north dakota. I think he's rad. happy father's day, dad!


andrew peter is a pretty cool guy too. he doesn't believe in father's day--well, for him anyway since he's not a dad and I'm not even with child--so I just wanted to tell him happy man's day. or maybe husband's day. because he is a very good man. and husband. and one day he will be a good father. {once he gets over his fear of babies and promises he won't teach our children how to make various explosives}

one for the quotebook

"it's like I died and married heaven."

--peter, talking about his amazing wife

my husband, the hot model

posing in the backcountry {click for full hotness}

remembering

our first year of holiday fun:
twinkly lights + burning flames
hand made stockings + home cooked turkey
snowy days + cozy nights
laughter + love + memories

uno yearo de love

as if three hundred and sixty-five days of wedded bliss aren't enough on their own, pete had to thrown in positively the best anniversary present ever. a secret trip to costa rica! yep, you heard that right. COSTA RICA!!! how long has this girl been dying to surf in god's fertile country? oh, at least a few years now. it had been my dream to live there on a self-sustaining farm. work the land in the mornings and surf in the afternoons. I never made it. {much to my mother's relief, I am sure} until now.

it had all been an elaborate rouse from the start. how about going to the grand canyon with scotty and his girlfriend? sure, I said. okay, we'll be gone from october 6th through the 13th. okay.

it didn't help that his friends kept slipping up. did you hear that scotty and athena are going to costa rica together?! what?!!

and I did overhear jim tell pete, she has no idea does she. . .

the major tip-off, though, was when pete walked into the room and announced that we had to go over to scotty's house right then because he owed him some money for a utility bill from a year ago. when I asked if I could write the check out {hey, a girl just likes to write sometimes. this is not an unusual occurrence.} he almost started laughing and gave me this look. after a few seconds of asking, I made myself slightly unavailable. if he wanted to write the check for the "utility bill," I would let him. inside, my heart was screaming. was I going to costa rica???

the night of our anniversary we went out to dinner at this little mediterranean place on main street before doing a session in the salt lake temple. while sitting outside, waiting for our food to come, we exchanged presents.

I gave him a new wedding band {funny story about his old ring, he broke it. he was so intrigued by trying to break stuff with it. and he did, mind you. he broke his watch. chipped and dented countless other things. but this supposedly tungsten ring would not hold up to the force of pete repeatedly throwing it on the ground to see how high it could bounce. the whole thing broke into fifty pieces. yeah, we're thinking it wasn't so much the strongest metal in the world, but some cheap fake. I guess that's what you get when you buy a ring for twenty bucks off ebay.} and a cute little notebook made from two pictures of us {the front cover is a photo of us in paris from our honeymoon, the back cover is a hammock shot from the engagement photo shoot.} the notebook pages are blank on the front side, and have all our old emails from the beginning of our love. priceless gems. the spine cover is an old airline ticket from our honeymoon.

he gave me a little white envelope with my name on it. inside was a card he had made. this was it, the moment of truth. this confirmed my suspiscions, hopes, and dreams! we weren't going to the grand canyon, we were going on the trip of a lifetime! surfing in costa rica for a week!

now I'm really glad he told me then. his first plan was to tell me when we got to the airport--in las vegas! I would have been none the wiser since we'd be driving that way to the grand canyon anyway. hey, do you mind if we make a stop at the airport? hope you packed a swimsuit!

which reminds me, I need to go find a cute, new swimsuit!

bliss

wednesday, september 27, 2006

three hundred and sixty-five days of wedded bliss. {okay, make that three hundred and sixty-seven} thank you, peter, for the adventure. I have loved every minute of it. you are my confidant, greatest support, and best friend.

here's to uno yearo de love! may there be a lifetime more to come.

ey2k6

tonight's dinner

I was tired of peter only eating veggie burgers and peter burritos (both quite tasty in their own right, but certainly no way to live), so I decided to make something real for him to eat, even in spite of my cleansing. below, for your viewing pleasure, is the spread of our family dinner.
as you can see, peter had some freshly steamed broccoli, with roasted red potatoes and some pepperjack cheesey eggplant. anna had a lovely blend of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

yeah, I wonder who had the tastier dinner.

the pfeiferhorn: a siren's song

the pfeiferhorn is an elusive peak. tried many times by many people, she is still left to be conquered. {okay, so people have summitted the pfeiferhorn before. just not me and pete. or scotty.} but even in our defeat, we find ourselves coming back again and again.

poor planning foiled our first attempt together. fowl weather ruined our second before we even set foot on the mountain. this weekend's fate wasn't much better, it seems.

we set out late in the evening on friday. hiking in the cool mountain air and the slanted sunlight was pure delight compared to the heat of the summer sun of our last trip. we arrived at lower red pine lake at dusk, ready to set up camp and jet boil our dinner before going to bed.

we went to sleep as soon as it got dark, which meant it was around nine o'clock. which also meant we initially woke up pretty early. I won't complain, though, if I'm waking up to this scene outside my tent. it was a beautiful morning. and very leisure. {I loves me my jet boil oatmeal in the morning, eaten right out of the packet}

from our last experience, we thought we knew exactly what to do. hike to upper red pine lake and then scramble up the steep, rocky slope on the left to the ridge. follow the ridge, go across the saddle that connects you to the pfeiferhorn, summit the peak and call it a day. it turns out this route is not the best idea. we went the hard way. we went the long way. we went the more unsafe way. {we saw others out hiking it, going up another smaller ridge that bypasses the long ridge we had to traverse. it looked much quicker and easier.} you see, this ridge we were hiking scrambling across wasn't solid ground. it was a mountain of boulders. loose rock piled on top of eachother, some more stable than others. it wasn't until a large boulder slightly crushed my leg as it came loose and tumbled down the mountain that I really started to get sketched out. {I have some scrapes and light bruise to prove it} but we kept pushing forward. slowly but surely. we stopped about halfway through the ridge. what lay ahead didn't look too promising. a steeper slope of what looked like pretty loose rock. {that photo does not do it justice} we didn't want to tempt the fate this mountain had to offer. we accepted defeat. we sat ourselves down and ate lunch, taking full advantage of the view we had before us.

we had spent four hours hiking up there round trip. boulder field after boulder field. it was hard work, and very slow going. we didn't go back down the exact way we had gone up. after the requisite lunch-time stop, we did not want to hike back over the ridge we had climbed. {it looked scarier going back the other direction} so we traversed down the rocky slope face instead. once we weren't on the steep incline of boulders I felt safer, though this is when pete chimes in with, "be careful. people die in boulder fields like this all the time." yeah, very comforting. at least the boulder fields down below were more stable and secure. you still had to be leery of the wiggly ones, though. finally we got through the boulder fields and back to our camp for a very much needed nap.

after packing up camp, we headed down the trail. another pfeiferhorn trip come and gone. the peak still out of reach. but we walked away with all that the mountain had taught us and a plan for our next trip.

* * *

in mountain climbing even the most prepared suffer defeat. it is ultimately up to the mountain. she will let you know if she wants you there. she will allow you to pass through or remain with your dreams just out of reach. it is up to you to listen to her soft whisperings and learn the lessons she has to teach. the wise listen and will remain to try another day.

the pfeiferhorn: the tallest peak in the photo

what is defeat? nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better. --wendell phillips

portrait from inside a tent

the life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conduced, will yield the imagination a higher joy than any fiction. --ralph waldo emerson

finding yourself

I used to be a journaler. writing about life. there were long stretches where I would write every day. and, as always, long stretches of absence. I am in a long stretch of absence right now. {though it has been said that my blog is like a journal. I still feel deep regret that my real journal doesn't even know I'm married!} it has been over a year. the last entry dates Sunday, July 9, 2006. {at least she knows about pete} this is saddening; I have not had the joy of putting pen to paper to record my thoughts for so long. I can't even begin to think about the small things of life that have been lost forever. memories cannot be trusted. it is the action of writing that preserves.

without my journal, posts such as this could not be what they are. how truly sad.

my original intent of this post was to highlight some fabulous quote from a favorite author (most likely terry tempest williams or edward abbey), but then I got thinking about the act of writing itself. writing as a preservation of who we are. so now I find myself just quoting myself; exposed and for all to see:

Sunday, November 7, 2004
courage. bravery in facing the world. facing the unknown with boldness and confidence. acknowledging fear and stepping beyond. changing darkness into light. strength.

I really want to live boldly. live deliberately. live within the rythms of the earth. am I able to do this now? am I making the most of every opportunity? do I let fear hold me back?

I do.

I can be more.

my life right now is in a good place. but I feel I should be doing more. I feel that with school there is no time for the things I really want to be doing. I want to give of myself. of my time. of my talents. I want to volunteer in the community gardens. feel the earth. learn to live more closely with her systems. I want to help others. humanitarian work. it's so easy to look beyond what is close to us and find the bigger troubles of the world. but perhaps what we must focus on is not so far away. there are needy people right here in salt lake city who need the charity of others.

but are my motivations pure? I want to be this better person. but is this desire for the right reasons? do I want to do good so I will look better in the eyes of another? I do want to learn to live sustainably for myself. for the earth. I want to be more conscious of the my effects on the landscape.

{I then go on to say, "I wish I could find someone with the same ideals. with a strong land ethic. someone I could learn from and gather strength." I'm so grateful I found peter. he is this person.}

this entry embodies the person I was, am, and am becoming. it is the courage in living that we must learn to embrace. these acts must not be forgotten.

so with that I urge you all to write. and I will finally let my journal know that yes, I did end up marrying pete. (I know she's been wondering.)

hip hip hooray!

you've come along way, baby.



















and there's a long way yet to go, together.















happy birthday.
I love you infinity times ten. (plus one)