finding yourself

I used to be a journaler. writing about life. there were long stretches where I would write every day. and, as always, long stretches of absence. I am in a long stretch of absence right now. {though it has been said that my blog is like a journal. I still feel deep regret that my real journal doesn't even know I'm married!} it has been over a year. the last entry dates Sunday, July 9, 2006. {at least she knows about pete} this is saddening; I have not had the joy of putting pen to paper to record my thoughts for so long. I can't even begin to think about the small things of life that have been lost forever. memories cannot be trusted. it is the action of writing that preserves.

without my journal, posts such as this could not be what they are. how truly sad.

my original intent of this post was to highlight some fabulous quote from a favorite author (most likely terry tempest williams or edward abbey), but then I got thinking about the act of writing itself. writing as a preservation of who we are. so now I find myself just quoting myself; exposed and for all to see:

Sunday, November 7, 2004
courage. bravery in facing the world. facing the unknown with boldness and confidence. acknowledging fear and stepping beyond. changing darkness into light. strength.

I really want to live boldly. live deliberately. live within the rythms of the earth. am I able to do this now? am I making the most of every opportunity? do I let fear hold me back?

I do.

I can be more.

my life right now is in a good place. but I feel I should be doing more. I feel that with school there is no time for the things I really want to be doing. I want to give of myself. of my time. of my talents. I want to volunteer in the community gardens. feel the earth. learn to live more closely with her systems. I want to help others. humanitarian work. it's so easy to look beyond what is close to us and find the bigger troubles of the world. but perhaps what we must focus on is not so far away. there are needy people right here in salt lake city who need the charity of others.

but are my motivations pure? I want to be this better person. but is this desire for the right reasons? do I want to do good so I will look better in the eyes of another? I do want to learn to live sustainably for myself. for the earth. I want to be more conscious of the my effects on the landscape.

{I then go on to say, "I wish I could find someone with the same ideals. with a strong land ethic. someone I could learn from and gather strength." I'm so grateful I found peter. he is this person.}

this entry embodies the person I was, am, and am becoming. it is the courage in living that we must learn to embrace. these acts must not be forgotten.

so with that I urge you all to write. and I will finally let my journal know that yes, I did end up marrying pete. (I know she's been wondering.)